Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
