Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All the doctor said was why
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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