Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
