Your tits are I can't wait for
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
