How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
