Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
