Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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