apparently the secret to your success is patron
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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