I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize