I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
