everyone is single if you try hard enough
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
