The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
