i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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