You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
