I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
