drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
