Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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