i permit you to call me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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