can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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