I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
