so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just had sex bonerless
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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