Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
