i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
