Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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