we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
