I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
