There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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