I love black thongs
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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