well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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