I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
