he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
