Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
