I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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