apparently the secret to your success is patron
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
