You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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