my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
