i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last