I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.