I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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