saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
