remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
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i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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