Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
