I could make wine with my vomit
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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