she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
