Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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