Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
