went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
