I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
