Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
