Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.