I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't deserve a penis
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.