JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
