I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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