Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
