I just saw a hot homeless man
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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