Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
