You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just googled if crying burns calories
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
