Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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