For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
