I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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